I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
