I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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