You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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