Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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