census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
