Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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