Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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