We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
