So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
