I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
