Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just want nice things and good sex
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
