i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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