What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
