I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
