Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
