If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As shirtless as possible
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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