if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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