Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
