someone owes me an orgasm
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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