I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
