I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
