Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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