Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
