it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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