Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
