Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
