Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
