Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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