True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
