The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
