I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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