Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The Olympian is in my bed
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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