Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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