I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
