Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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