Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
