So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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