I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
