Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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