I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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