I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
