by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
A bitchslap is in order.
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