I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
