why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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