Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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