Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize