i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
