There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
