Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
