I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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