My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
