Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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