I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
