Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
