I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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