my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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