Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
