I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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