theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
